Clearwater Junction, OR — Derek Poffenberger, 34, was terminated from his position as assistant manager at Lumber Depot in Clearwater Junction, Oregon after failing a mandatory drug screening. When confronted by HR Director Patricia Mills, Poffenberger immediately attributed the positive result to the poppy seed bagel he'd eaten that morning.Once informed he had tested positive for marijuana, methamphetamine, and cocaine, his defense quickly evolved to an “everything bagel,” insisting that “everything means everything” and that it could account for all three substances. His attorney has pledged to investigate, despite the actual bagel shop owner confirming their everything bagels contain only sesame seeds, poppy seeds, garlic, onion, and salt.

Everything Bagel is Evidence

"I read about this online," Poffenberger explained during the meeting, according to Mills' incident report. "Poppy seeds can make you test positive. It's a known thing."

Mills then informed Poffenberger that he had tested positive for marijuana, methamphetamine, and cocaine.

"Oh," Poffenberger replied, according to the report. After a pause, he added: "It was an everything bagel."

When pressed to explain how an everything bagel would account for three separate controlled substances, Poffenberger became "increasingly vague and defensive," the report states.

"Everything means everything... Who knows what they put on those things?" –Derek Poffenberger

"Everything means everything," he insisted. "Who knows what they put on those things? Sesame seeds, poppy seeds, probably other seeds. It's called an everything bagel for a reason."

Mills noted that Poffenberger had also failed to report to work on time in four of the previous five days, citing various bagel-related delays including "waiting for the toaster" and "cream cheese emergency."

Poffenberger's attorney, James Watkins of Watkins & Associates, confirmed that his client intends to fight the termination.

"We're currently investigating the full ingredients list of everything bagels sold at local establishments," Watkins said. "My client maintains he's never knowingly consumed anything beyond breakfast foods."

When reporters contacted Gold Star Bagels, where Poffenberger claims to have purchased the bagel in question, owner Susan Chen seemed puzzled.

"Our everything bagels have sesame seeds, poppy seeds, garlic, onion, and salt," Chen said. "That's it. That's what 'everything' means. We don't put drugs on bagels. That would be insane and also illegal."

Poffenberger was previously terminated from a position at QuickStop Gas & Grocery in 2023, which he attributed to a "misunderstanding about the definition of employee discounts." Court records show he was charged with theft for consuming approximately $400 worth of beef jerky over a three-month period without paying.

As of press time, Poffenberger had updated his LinkedIn profile to indicate he was "between opportunities" and "open to remote work that doesn't require drug testing or bagel restrictions."