Uber’s New "Men Choosing Men" Feature Promises "Glorious Silence"
Uber today announced its new "Men Choosing Men" feature, giving male passengers the ability to request male drivers who understand that meaningful conversation is entirely optional.
In response to Uber's new feature allowing women to request women drivers for safety, the company today unveiled a companion option for men: "Men Choosing Men," a groundbreaking initiative designed to protect male passengers from awkward emotional conversations.
"We noticed men were facing unique challenges," said a fictional Uber spokesperson. "Some riders accidentally found themselves discussing feelings, career goals, or whether they were actually happy. Frankly, the data was alarming."
Early users are thrilled, and customer feedback is undeniable.
"I used to worry I'd get a friendly driver who'd ask about my family" –Steve Johnson, 42.
"Spent the entire ride debating whether V8 engines sounded better in the '90s." –Karl Rademacher, 58
"We exchanged exactly eleven words. 'Unbelievable.' I felt seen." –Mike Powell, 35
Uber says every Men Choosing Men ride can include at least one of the following:
Perhaps the most popular feature is the Sound Of Silence option. The driver already has the destination, the passenger already knows the fare, and neither person is under any obligation to discuss the weather, weekend plans, or what brought them to town. Once the ride begins, both men acknowledge that conversation is not necessary and, in fact, is preferred. There is no awkward pressure to fill the silence and no judgment. Early users report using the quiet ride to finish work emails, prepare for meetings, or simply enjoy twenty uninterrupted minutes of glorious silence. A welcome break before arriving home, fully prepared to hear the 47-minute director’s cut of their spouse’s day.
Company officials insist the feature has nothing to do with safety and everything to do with preserving one of civilization's oldest traditions: two grown men spending thirty minutes together while learning absolutely nothing about each other.
Based on articles published by theguardian.com and time.com.
"We noticed men were facing unique challenges," said a fictional Uber spokesperson. "Some riders accidentally found themselves discussing feelings, career goals, or whether they were actually happy. Frankly, the data was alarming."
Early users are thrilled, and customer feedback is undeniable.
"I used to worry I'd get a friendly driver who'd ask about my family" –Steve Johnson, 42.
"Spent the entire ride debating whether V8 engines sounded better in the '90s." –Karl Rademacher, 58
"We exchanged exactly eleven words. 'Unbelievable.' I felt seen." –Mike Powell, 35
Uber says every Men Choosing Men ride can include at least one of the following:
- An unsolicited opinion about gas prices.
- A detailed explanation of why the GPS is wrong.
- Complete silence interrupted only by a sports radio station.
Perhaps the most popular feature is the Sound Of Silence option. The driver already has the destination, the passenger already knows the fare, and neither person is under any obligation to discuss the weather, weekend plans, or what brought them to town. Once the ride begins, both men acknowledge that conversation is not necessary and, in fact, is preferred. There is no awkward pressure to fill the silence and no judgment. Early users report using the quiet ride to finish work emails, prepare for meetings, or simply enjoy twenty uninterrupted minutes of glorious silence. A welcome break before arriving home, fully prepared to hear the 47-minute director’s cut of their spouse’s day.
Company officials insist the feature has nothing to do with safety and everything to do with preserving one of civilization's oldest traditions: two grown men spending thirty minutes together while learning absolutely nothing about each other.
Based on articles published by theguardian.com and time.com.
